I have once again found myself thinking the unimaginable on my way home today.
You the family still don’t want to understand and continue to punish me with your behaviours. You continually want to play happy families when I’m broken beyond repair because of all of your actions. Why is it that you cannot see the one toxic manipulative behaviour of your golden child and manipulative big sister. You won’t ever comprehend how you have all hurt me
Dad you said I never asked her how she was when she was pregnant. You don’t know that at that time I was at the lowest point in my life because of the nasty hurtful things your 2 said to me. She will always manipulate every situation to benefit her and make herself seem like the victim. All 3 of them made a point to exclude me from everything that was going on at the time. They used the guise that they didn’t want to upset me, but what they couldn’t comprehend was their actions hurt me the most. S will always try to twist any scenario to benefit her. She will always come up with talk that she thinks makes her look like the innocent victim. As always my thoughts become incoherent. We’ve always had a complicated relationship, possibly because we’re too alike. I tried to listen and understand you. You could never do the same for me.
V you also said I never asked her how she was when sheen was pregnant. Funny enough you mentioned this to me when no one else was there. You have said to me you two don’t talk about me, at the time you said it in such a way that I’m a meaningless spec in your lives. I find it strange that your words continually contradict. You are lying to protect her. I hoped one day your eyes would open. I think now that’ll never happen and you will always be in her controlling grasp. She needs it to be that way. She needs to feel the superior one. She always has. You will never understand the hurt you’ve caused me. I wonder do you even care?
Mum you continue to pretend everything is right in your world. It isn’t. You will continually deny the heinous / nasty / disgusting actions of your favourite. Despite what you’ve told me about her in the past, she continues to be the one you want. I can’t help but wonder, is it her you want to see or is it the grandchildren I don’t have any relationship with.
S – you have taken over 5 years of my life. I hate you to my core. I will never trust you. You are the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. When I found out you had a tough labour with your girl I for a very brief second felt good riddance. I no longer wish you gone but I want you out of my life for good. I finally see what you’ve done to me my whole life. You tried to control me, manipulate me, bury me in your own hatred. You succeeded in burying a part of me. I no longer the same perfusion I was. I now clearly see you for what you really are. In 20 years you’ll be after the family inheritance in it’s entirety just like L. Mum you’ll let her do it. I only hope that I’m as far away from you all when, not if, this happens as possible. You are the worst of the Gs and of the Js. You may think no one sees you. Your immediate family are the only ones who you’ve blinded. I was one of them. I see clearly now, where the others don’t. You are too arrogant to realise, most outside your immediate family see you for what you are. It took for me to break away from your grasp for people to be honest with me about what they really think of you. You always wanted to win. You have your family and your house. You’ve won there. But you’ve lost by showing your true colours. I now see you as others already did before I could. You’ve shown me your true self. You’ll never be able to come back from that. In my eyes you’ll never be the same again. You don’t care I’m sure, but I finally see you. Clarity brings me peace free of your controlling embrace.
No longer yours to emotionally manipulate,
N