Here we are again. I have gone through a big event in my life and turned to you for comfort. I found out my ivf cycle failed 21 October, I went through 28 days of self injecting with medication which i can still feel the impact of in my body. I shouldn’t have to explain but with you all I always do, I am hurting, I am in pain, I am not OK. I came to you heartbroken the morning of 22 October, you saw me inconsolable. You did visit that day which was appreciated, but none of you have me a space to grieve that afternoon.
M you called 24 October to see if I was OK. You clearly knew i was not and didn’t know what to say.
It is now 1 November. I have not heard anything from any of you. Not a single message to see how I am. Nothing asking if I am OK. Not a single piece of communication to see if I am still here. You don’t seem to care. You have made an awful time in my life worse. You have added to my pain and hurt. You have taken my broken heart and shattered it to pieces.
How much more do I keep going through with you all. How much more do I keep letting you hurt me even more when I am at the lowest point in my life. How do I have a relationship with you if this is how you treat me.
M you will say the next time I come to see you, because I always need to come to you, that you haven’t seen me in a long time. Why is it that your can’t see that i don’t come to see you because of the way you treat me. You have thrown me away, you do not want me, you only want your golden child who is rotten to the core. How can I keep having you in my life? The answer is I don’t want to. I don’t want to see you. I want to be free of your everlasting ability to cause me hurt and pain. I know I’ll never be able to do this. Will you be responsible for me in an early grave? You nearly were 3 years ago when you chose your rotten golden child over me.
You’ve hurt me again
You’ll keep hurting me
I’ll keep crawling back
You’ll keep throwing me away
I’ll keep feeling guilty over my duty to you
You’ll keep me in the downward spiral
I can’t keep doing it. I’m tired from you all. I don’t sleep full nights anymore. I need it to stop. I need you to understand. You never will.
I’m exhausted
I’m numb
I’m done
N